The Juggle
by KMFinchel
Summary: Rachel is torn between her new job and her new baby. Which choice is the right choice?


**Hello to anyone who is reading my stories! I am working on my other ones but this scene was just stuck in my head for months and I had to write it out. I don't own Glee…blah blah you know the drill.**

Rachel slowly turned the key into the door to their apartment. It was late. After midnight. She knew Finn and the baby have had a hard night and she didn't want to risk waking them.

She slowly opened the door, stepping quietly inside. She toed off her Ugg boots as she closed the door slowly behind her. As she walked over to the coat rack, she glanced into the living room. She didn't see anyone on the couch, but the room had a flickering glow from the light of the television.

Rachel hung up her coat and walked into the kitchen. A note from Finn was lying alone on the kitchen table.

 _Dinner's in the fridge. It isn't much. Ava was a bear tonight. Gave her Tylenol at 9 pm. I know you like to write that stuff down. -Finn_

Rachel smiled. Finn had been so good to her since she decided to go back to work a month ago. A role just fell into her lap and, while torn on what to do, Finn encouraged her to take it. "You need it Rachel. Ava will be fine. She'll see you during the day and me at night. It's kind of perfect in a way."

While it was working out, she missed Finn. She missed Ava. She missed being with Finn and Ava at the same time. They rarely got any time together as a family. Sometimes they'd get a few hours in the morning if Ava woke up early and Finn went into work late. If Rehearsals ran short she'd get an hour or so in the evening with them. She knows it won't be like this forever, but she can't help feeling like she's ruined her little family's perfect bubble they had formed before she went back to work.

It was a cold February night and Rachel felt a chill in the apartment. She walked into the living room to turn up the thermostat when she saw them. Finn was sprawled on his back taking up the entire length of the couch. One leg was on the floor, probably for balance. He was still dressed in his sweats and had socks on his feet. He usually slept only in his boxers so she knew he had never made it to bed.

Ava was passed out on his chest, laying on her belly. She was in her white fleece pj's with red hearts on them, a gift from Carole for Valentine's Day. Her little fists were balled up, grasping a small piece of Finn's shirt. Finn had his large hands resting on her back. Ava still looked so small when Finn held her, even though she was growing like a weed. At 6 months old she was perfect in every way.

Finn had called her earlier saying that Ava was fussy and had a slight fever. She would not settle at all or let Finn do anything. She was demanding to be held at all times. Rachel had tried to get home as early as possible but of course rehearsals ran long and she was once again feeling guilty.

Rachel knelt down next to the couch and put her hand on Ava's forehead to see if she felt warm. Her fever must have broken because she felt cool to the touch. Rachel rubbed her soft cheek and Ava cracked a half smile in her sleep. It was the same smile Finn gave her all of the time in high school.

Rather than scare Finn half to death by picking up Ava off of his chest, she gently rubbed her hand through his messy hair to wake him.

"Hey," she whispered into his ear, "I'm home now."

Finn startled a bit and clutched Ava's back firmly to make sure she was still there. He then looked up to find Rachel staring back at him.

"Hi babe," he whispered. "I guess we fell asleep. I was afraid to move her once she was out. She really wasn't a happy camper tonight." Finn rubbed Ava's back as she stirred at the sounds of them talking.

Rachel reached out toward Ava. "Let me put her down and then you can head to bed. I'm going to eat and I'll be in soon after."

Rachel reached over and picked up Ava off of Finn's chest and quickly transferred her tightly against her own. Ava stirred a bit and began to fuss, but Rachel began to sway back and forth and hum quietly. She nuzzled her face into Rachel's neck and took a deep breath. Rachel and Finn would joke constantly that she was part dog and could tell them apart by smell.

As Rachel continued to pat Ava's back, Finn leaned over and kissed them both on the cheek. He followed Rachel down the hall and turned right into their bedroom and she made a left into Ava's. Rachel walked towards Ava's crib to put her down for the night, but she wasn't quite ready to let her go. She missed her. She's rarely home to put her to bed anymore. Their nighttime routine was now just only one parent reading her a book and singing her a song. Finn was singing a solo when it should be a duet.

Rachel walked to the corner of the room where the pale pink rocking chair was. The room was dark, except for the yellow star nightlight plugged into the wall. She sat down slowly, Ava still nuzzled against her body. She began to rock slowly as she rubbed Ava's peach fuzz on the top of her head. Rachel swore she was going to be born with a full head of dark hair, but instead she surprised them and was born bald. Just in the past few weeks her hair had started to grow in. It's very light brown and Finn always smiled when his mom mentioned how her hair is just how his was.

Rachel noticed how Ava felt longer in her arms. Her legs now hitting Rachel's lap in a different way. Her arms now could reach just a little higher on Rachel's neck as she held her. She tried to stop the tears from coming but her emotions took hold. Trying not to wake Ava, she slowly walked over to her crib and laid her down on her back. Rachel rubbed her head a few more times before exiting the room. She barely had the door shut behind her when a sob escaped her mouth.

Finn raced out into the hallway to find Rachel leaning against Ava's door. Her hand was covering her mouth to muffle her sobs.

He reached his arms out as she fell into his arms. They stood there for a moment as Rachel sobbed into his shirt, soaking it with her tears. He rubbed her back gently with his right hand, the exact same way Ava likes hers to be rubbed.

A few minutes passed and Rachel looked up to Finn and whispered "Thank you," as she wiped the tears from her already wet cheeks.

Finn led her out into the kitchen and sat her at the table. "Rachel, what's wrong? Did something happen at work tonight? I'm sorry if you tried to get ahold of me but Ava was so fussy tonight and you know I can't have my baby girl unhappy." He nudged her arm jokingly trying to get her to smile but the tears continued to fall.

"Don't you see Finn? I'm missing it! I'm gone at work and she needed me."

"Well she has me you know. I may not be stellar but I keep her alive don't I?" Finn sat down across from her and rubbed her legs.

Rachel suddenly felt guilty about her prior statement. Finn was amazing with Ava and had been nothing but supportive throughout this entire transition. "Finn I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I guess I'm just feeling guilty that I'm missing things. I think she grew Finn! She grew since this morning and I missed it."

Finn reached out to grab her hand, rubbing it with his thumb. "Rachel she did not grow since you last saw her this morning. I promise. Let me heat up your dinner and we can talk ok?"

"Okay. Wait, aren't you tired? You were headed to bed! Go to bed Finn." Rachel stood up to take the plate of food out of his hand. Finn held it up out of her reach.

"Sit down Rachel. I'm up and so are you so let's talk."

Rachel returned to her seat, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. She watched as Finn reheated her food and poured her a glass of water. Her mind reflected back on the day Ava was born. She and Finn couldn't have imagined how it would all feel, having a tiny human being in their arms that they created.

 _Rachel gave all she had into one last push before she heard Ava's cries from below. The doctor lifted her up and placed her directly onto Rachel's chest as she squirmed and screamed loudly. She was warm and wet and very unhappy. She hadn't ever thought about how Ava would feel right after she was born. The focus had been the nursery and the clothes and of course her name. Now she was here, screaming in all of her naked glory right in front of them._

 _Rachel looked up at Finn who had tears pouring out of his eyes. She hadn't been expecting that either. He was always so strong for her. Ava broke him. He reached down to rub Ava's back that was now covered by a blanket. The nurses cleaned her eyes and head and let Ava calm down for a few before taking her to be weighed and cleaned up._

 _Finn gave Rachel a quick kiss on her forehead. "Rach….I…" Finn tried to speak but couldn't continue. He was a mess._

 _Rachel took one hand to wipe the tears from her face while leaving the other one on Ava's back. Part of her couldn't believe this was real. Yes, she had carried her for nine months but she was actually here. Right in front of them._

" _Finn look at her. She's here. We made her. And she's bald!" Rachel laughed through her tears as she finished analyzing every part of Ava's body. Memorizing this moment. She never wanted to forget this moment._

 _Finn laughed. "Awww, I like her little bald head."_

" _It didn't feel so little coming out!"_

 _Finn smiled down at her, but his eyes immediately went back to Ava, who was softly crying on Rachel's chest._

 _The nurse came over to take Ava to be weighed. She cried louder as she was taken from Rachel's arms._

" _Finn follow her! Hold her hand! I don't want her to be sad!"_

 _Finn hurriedly followed the nurse over to the bassinet where Ava was being weighed. He grabbed her tiny hand as she wrapped it around his pinky finger. Finn crouched down so that his face was next to hers. "Shhh shh Ava girl. It will be over soon and I'll take you back to mama okay?" Ava quieted down at the sound of his voice._

 _Rachel could see them just two feet away, but she felt so far. "See Finn, she knows your voice. All of that singing to my stomach has really paid off huh?"_

" _Yeah" Finn answered, never turning his face away from his baby girl. "I'm pretty sure she knows us both very well from the amount of singing we do."_

 _Soon the nurse handed Ava off to Finn and he walked over towards Rachel. He walked slowly, like Ava was going to break if he walked any faster. "Well here she is, all 7lbs 6 oz. of her. See she wasn't 10 lbs. like you swore she was yesterday."_

" _HAHA Finn. Very funny. Next time you are 41 weeks pregnant you can tell me how it feels ok? Now get your cute daddy self over here with our baby." Rachel held her arms out towards Finn. Ava had been out of her arms for only a few minutes but it felt too long._

 _Finn gently placed Ava into Rachel's waiting arms. "Hi baby girl, did you miss me?" Rachel leaned over to kiss Ava's cheek. Ava scrunched up her nose at the touch and pouted her lower lip preparing to cry. "Oh no, Ava girl. Don't be sad." Rachel pulled Ava up to her chest, rubbing small circles on her back. Finn joined them on the bed as the nurses and doctors finished up in the room._

 _Ava settled right down in Rachel's arms, no doubt exhausted from her first 10 minutes of life._

" _Rachel, I love you. We did it. I can't believe she's here. It's like we've waited for her for so long but we didn't even know it." Finn put his arm around Rachel to get a closer look at Ava's face._

" _I know. It feels like every moment has led us here, to her."_

"Rachel are you okay?" Finn asked, snapping Rachel back into reality.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about when Ava was born."

Finn placed her food in front of her and sat back down at the table. "Rachel what's going on? Just having a hard day? I promise we did okay tonight, she was just fussy."

Rachel looked up at Finn for reassurance. "I know. I know you are both fine while I'm at work. I just miss her you know? It's' been a month and I still miss her the entire time I'm gone."

"Rachel, I'd be more concerned if you didn't miss her. You're her mother. It's your job. It's more important than your job in the play. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be working. It's just an adjustment. Ava is fine. This isn't forever." Finn got up to pour himself a drink as Rachel picked at her pasta. "Eat Rachel. We don't need you sick or run down when your play opens in a month."

Rachel put down her fork. She couldn't eat. "Did I do the right thing Finn? For Ava I mean?"

"Rachel of course. We talked about this. Think about what a great example you are setting for Ava as she grows up. You are still her favorite person trust me."

Rachel felt the tears return. "Thank you Finn. I know this month back hasn't been easy for either of us. I just want to do right by her."

Finn sighed as he took a large drink of water. "Rachel, this is going to happen. You're going to miss her. I miss her too when I'm gone. Our entire world revolves around her and that will never change. She has two parents who think she's the world's best baby. Our parents worked too and we turned out alright. You are doing what you were born to do. Embrace it. Ava will love you no matter what."

 **One month later:**

Rachel could feel the blood pulsating through her veins as she prepared to go on stage. It was opening night. It was her favorite yet worst feared night of a production. It was a night she wished would last forever, but she also wanted it to go by swiftly.

Rachel looked out into the audience from backstage. Sold out crowd, just how she liked it. She felt a wave of calm come over her as the curtain rose. This is where she was meant to be.

She hit every note and filled her performance with emotions deep in her soul. It was like the audience was pumping oxygen into her lungs. It felt effortless yet strenuous at the same time. These past two months have been hard. Hard on her, hard on Finn, and hard on Ava even though she didn't know it quite yet.

Finn wasn't able to make it. Their sitter canceled last minute and they decided it was too late for Ava to be out. She couldn't wait to get home to tell him all about it. He had been right. She was born to do this and had missed the stage so much. Rachel also knew that her life before she had Ava and now were never going to be comparable. She had different priorities. Ava was first. She would always come first.

After a thrilling standing ovation from the audience and several congratulatory hugs from the producers backstage, Rachel rushed back to her dressing room to change and try to get home before Finn fell asleep. Unfortunately several big wigs decided they needed to meet her and she felt obligated to do so. She was the lead in the play and it was the least she could do for the producers who chose her for this role.

Rachel glanced down at her watch. 11:00 pm. She knew Ava would be long gone by the time she arrived home but she really wanted to see Finn awake and tell him about her night. She hoped he could keep his eyes open long enough to hear it. Parenthood had definitely changed them. Gone were the nights where they wouldn't even go out until 11 pm and stay out until dawn and sleep the day away. Now they were lucky to make it through their favorite show without passing out before 10.

Rachel finally was able to slip out of the conversation saying she had to get home to her baby. She was skipping the usual cast party, even though Finn told her to go and have a good time. Parties will happen again, but there is only one opening night that she can tell her husband about. She shuffled down the hallway to her dressing room, hoping she could change and be out of there in five minutes flat.

She opened her dressing room door hastily to reveal a dozen pink roses, Finn's signature bouquet. He always sent them to her on opening night. Without fail, he managed to do it again. She reached for the card addressed to "Rach" when she heard a noise behind her. She quickly turned to discover the cutest sight she had seen in a while.

Finn was on her couch, passed out in his best suit. Ava was asleep on his chest, dressed in a hot pink taffeta dress and tights that were way too big and slouched around her ankles. She had one black patent leather Mary Jane on her left foot. The right one was probably somewhere on the floor by now. Upon closer inspection, Rachel saw that Ava had drooled all over Finn's tie. They'd been asleep for a while.

Before waking them, Rachel quickly changed into her jeans and sweatshirt so they could all leave together. She walked over to Finn to wake him. Sadly this had been a common occurrence in their lives lately. One of them asleep while the other was awake. One was at home while the other was at work. Neither of them loved the situation, but they were making it work. It was working.

As Rachel was packing up her final bag to bring home, Finn started to stir. "Hey babe! Is it over? Did I fall asleep?" He sat up slowly, holding Ava with one hand and scooting his body up with the other.

Rachel walked over to Finn and kissed his forehead. "Yeah it's over. What are you doing here? I thought we said it was too late for Ava?" Rachel rubbed Ava's back as she slept soundly.

Finn kissed Ava on the top of the head and smiled. "Well I figured it was one night and I've never missed an opening night of your show and didn't want to start now. I watched from backstage," Finn looked down, "and so did Ava."

Rachel felt the tears form in her eyes. "Oh Finn that's so sweet. You didn't have to though. I mean I'm sure she wasn't pleasant not being in her bed tonight."

"I did have to Rachel. Some things have changed since Ava came into our lives, but this didn't have to. I want her to grow up seeing how hard her mom works. You get to do what you love and isn't that what we ultimately want for her?"

Rachel was taken aback by Finn's statement. That is what she wants for her. Always.

"Well you were right Finn. It was worth it. Tonight was amazing. Fingers crossed for good reviews tomorrow." Rachel leaned over to give Finn a kiss. "I missed you two. I looked for you out of habit like I always do."

Ava began to squirm in Finn's arms. Within seconds she was in full out scream mode.

Rachel held out her arms. "Come here baby girl! I missed you!" Ava's eyes opened briefly when she heard Rachel's voice. Her cries continued until Rachel had her snug in her arms. Ava did her usual deep breath and settled into Rachel's neck.

Finn laughed. "See! I swear she's part dog. I told you we had a puppy Rach!"

Rachel laughed. "When will that joke ever get old with you? She knows me because I'm her mom. And maybe by my shampoo scent but let's go with the first option."

With her eyes still closed, Ava began to settle. She reached up and grabbed a fistful of Rachel's hair and began rubbing it through her fingers.

"Well let's hope this hair thing she started doing doesn't catch on or I'm going to have to start wearing a wig when you're gone." Finn kissed Rachel on the lips as he smiled again. Rachel laughed at the mere thought of that ever happening.

Finn covered Ava with a blanket and began throwing all of Rachel's bags into the stroller. "You want to carry her out I'm guessing?"

"Yes I do. Now let's go home. She'll be up in a few hours and you and I still have to celebrate my opening night." Rachel winked at Finn as she began to walk out into the hallway. Their new normal wasn't so bad after all.

 **Hope you enjoyed!**


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